Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Ready for a dramatic rant?

Don't you wish this was real? I'm sorry I've neglected you for so long! English and nutrition and diet therapy have taken my life over this week. Not only do I have a 1,500 word essay to accomplish on the realities of home in comparision with television families (I know....should be fun I think! LOOOSY....I'm home!!), but I've got my first big exam on Wednesday night. My head is swimming with info on fat-soluble vitamins and peptide bonds! The good news is my English professor liked my last essay and gave me an A! Whoo-hoo! I'm really enjoying essay writing, and I think I'm good at it too! Should I dump nursing and be a writer? Do they make money? I don't want to be a Danielle Steele or something....her books make my flesh crawl with her descriptions of male anatomy in action....if you get my drift! Book editor sounds really interesting, but I have no idea what that would involve. Would you be an English major then?

Anywho, last week I wasn't feeling well. Conditions were just right for a "perfect storm" scenario. My body was saying---Kate, you stupid, stupid girl! I know how to take care of myself, but do I do it? Part laziness, part busyness, and part hopelessness. Obviously if I was more active, I wouldn't weigh what I currently do. If I wasn't so busy with class and job hunting, and juggling Chris's stuff, maybe I would take the time to cook nutritious meals. I think I'm looking for excuses though. In reality, I punish myself. On a subconscious level, and even more scary--a conscious one. As much as I try to push out the crap that's been stacking up in my life, it creeps in. I miss Tim, and I'm dreaming about him all the time. I worry that I'm never going to get another chance with him, or anyone else. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Pain is always there...it never leaves me. I've got tears running down my face as I type this. Why should I take care of this worthless person? I tell myself--do it for Chris, Kate....but someday he's going to make his own way and I'm what will remain. Wow...am I hormonal or what!! Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer! Shake it off Kate...shake it off! As I was saying, I wasn't feeling well. I was very sick 10 years ago when I ruptured a hole in my colon. I'll spare you an image of diverticula (although for a brief moment I considered it...but I want you to come back to my blog!) I healed from my surgeries beautifully, and I really have not had many issues in the last decade. Last week, however, I felt the telltale pinch. I remember it well. Right before I lost my medical benefits due to my current unemployed state, I saw my dear, sweet doctor--Stacy Nuccion at Kaiser. Love her!! She is so awesome! She told me if I needed her for any reason to call, whether I had benefits or not. I got her office on the phone and explained that I knew the necessity of getting on antibiotics right away, so she called them into Walmart for me, and told me to go to bed for a couple of days. Now, normally the idea of being in bed like that sounds kinda appealing....read a good book....some magazines.....television.....but when you're in pain? Not so much fun... And have you seen daytime television?? Do they really think we're idiots?! No thank you! Somewhere in here I should probably put in a paragraph. Another precursor to this flare-up was the fact that Tim's grandma got me all upset. We had a garage sale with his grandparents. They live in a mobile home park in Calistoga, so garage sales aren't very successful for them. When they heard we were going to have one, they asked if they could join in. No problem. Well....the topic, as grandma and I were sitting there, of Tim and I came up. At the time, I successfully changed the subject. But......she called me a couple days later and said "You know what Katy...have you ever though of just talking to Tim and seeing why he wants this divorce?" You have got to be KIDDING ME!!!? I told her I've begged...I've pleaded....I've groveled...I've humilated myself...I've cried a buttload ( I didn't say that to her....but you can picture me doing it can't you?!) of tears. Nothing. He won't go to a counselor...Christian or otherwise....he wouldn't see my pastor who was so willing to help us in any way he could (he even offered to pay for a weekend away for a Christian couples retreat!)....nothing. He's just done. Stubborn, stupid man!! Aarrgh!! Her answer was "oh....well....we'll just keep praying then." I know she loves me, and thinks of me as her granddaughter, but gosh that woman stirred me up! And of course.....what happens next? That's right....I get my period! Of course!! Nuf said. The perfect storm! And Dude!! Do antibiotics give you heartburn or what?? I gotta take better care of myself. Just have to....

I continue to hunt for a job...so far...unsuccessfully. It's very discouraging, and I worry that my family is thinking I'm sitting up here on the second floor with my feet up watching tv and eating chocolate bonbons. I'm not....at least not the tv part. I eat to feel numb...I've said that.....Chris's birthday is at the end of the month....Christmas is going to be here before we know it! I'm glad God's in control cause I don't seem to be! Wish he'd clue me in a little...
Goodness.....I've gone on...and on...and on....Thanks for reading my rant.....what's new with you?


PattyAnn said...

You can rant to me any time (but you already knew that). If Tim is too blind to see what he had in you, he doesn't deserve you. You are undoubtedly one of the most caring people I have ever known, and we love you. I know there's a saying about having to go to the bottom of the valley so God can help you climb to the top of the mountain, but my menopausal brain can't remember it right now. You get the point, though, right? We are deep in the valley now, aren't we? Should we start walking every day?